Relationships Perceptions
Relationships. The most challenging area of our lives seems to be in this complicated, exciting and sometimes
painful arena. When any relationship turns sour, often the first thing we want to do is to become actively engaged participants in “the blame game.”
What if instead, we resisted that game? What if we looked at our relationships as reflections of how we perceive our relationship with the universe? (Notice I didn’t say, “as a reflection of our relationship with the universe”, but rather, as our perception of that relationship.) What if every difficult tête-à-tête with a loved one or coworker was just a mirror of what we think the universe “thinks” of us? Here are a couple of examples:
Sharon perceives herself as a minuscule drop in the cosmos, powerless and stripped of a meaningful role. She believes that the God she was raised to believe in is too big, powerful and busy for her and is basically left to fend for her own. As a result, her manager, who she rebels against in passive aggressive ways, always seems too busy for her and doesn’t acknowledge her accomplishments. She also attracts coworkers who act bigger and more powerful than her and finds herself in almost constant conflict.
Curt sees himself as a victim; his life is filled with unfortunate mishaps. Though he believes in a God and tries to enrich his spirituality by attending church and volunteering, he perceives his relationship with God as one-sided. To Curt, God is “unavailable”. As a result, his personal relationships are riddled with people who do not reciprocate, communicate or commit – and leave him feeling “less than”.
If all success begins at the source, then do we stand a chance at having more joyful encounters if we create a good relationship with the universe? When we do that, when we start listening, cooperating and paying attention to that relationship, (often letting go of what we “think” we know), then communication channels open up. Then your relationships either fall away because they no longer fit who you are or they will change for the better to support you!
What is your perception of your relationship with the universe?
The Heart of Fear
Fear.
“I don’t like Fear,” I once told a friend, “It scares me!” That had been my relationship with Fear until seven years ago when I attended a workshop called “Beyond Fear”. I secretly hoped it would give me a workaround for Fear — how to avoid it altogether. But no, the idea was to create a rapport with Fear, feel it, then move beyond it. Not get stuck in it. Not run from it. (Have you noticed that when you run from Fear, it chases you?) The workshop was life changing. I discovered that when I’m afraid and refuse to feel it, I attempt to control.
Control Doesn’t Work.
“News flash” right? Sometimes I forget and reach for control anyway. Which is exactly what I did with my mother last week. She had gone to the ER and released with a nonspecific diagnoses. Under the guise of concern, I told her she shouldn’t drive until she sees her doctor. While that might be good advice, my mother is a capable, adult woman who has managed to make her own decisions for longer than I have been alive. The conversation didn’t go well. She was offended (rightly so) and I was righteous (wrongly so).
Righteous Yields to What’s Right.
Days passed. I was uneasy about the conversation but convinced I was right. Then, while shuffling papers on my desk, my eyes landed on a random note: “Attempts to control always fail. Control, no matter the origin, comes down to fear.” Hmmmm. In my refusal to feel fear, I had reached for control which hadn’t worked, of course.
I called my mother and started a new conversation: ”I’m sorry for trying to control you by telling you not to drive. The truth is, I was/am scared…” We then had a beautiful, easy conversation about what really matters and about how challenging it can be to stay in the present moment when we are afraid. I noticed how close I felt to her and how surprisingly grateful I was for my Fear. When I simply let myself feel it, it led me to my heart and brought me closer to a precious relationship with my mother.
Football and the Contract Year
I love football, every type – neighborhood, high school, college and the NFL. I enjoy not just the game, but the drumbeat, the cheers and cheerleaders, the colors and uniforms and the crisp autumn air. One of the phenomenons in pro football is the last year of a player’s contract, better known as the “Contract Year.” Usually the player will put a little more energy and enthusiasm into their play to showcase their talents to get a more lucrative contract.
One of my projects with the insightful Coach Wendy was to create my own series of contract years for the relationships in my life—my friendships, marriage, roles and career. The relationships that I serve and that serve me are explored and examined. I severe those that are not of service, and try to put more energy and enthusiasm into those relationships in which I serve. With great joy, I’d like to announce on our 18th anniversary earlier this year, my wife and I agreed to a five-year extension! As Socrates said, “The unexamined life is not worth living.” Now it’s time to joyfully get to work.
Sister Time
Last week I was lucky enough to have a “sister day”. Since my sister Lisa has kids, the opportunities to have sister time are few and far between. It was a wonderful f day filled with lunch, gabbing and the main event-a manicure and a pedicure. As delightful as all of the things we did were, the best part of our time together, was just being together. I savor the relationships that I have where I can truly by myself.
Don’t get me wrong, I do express myself authentically all day, every day. It is the “sister” relationships where I can have the most fun, letting my hair down to blow in the wind. I am lucky enough to have other “sisters” in my life, women that love me as I am no matter what.
Spending time with Lisa last week reminded me how important it is to carve out time in my schedule to be with my soul sisters. The time I get to spend with these women, whether it is on the phone or in person feeds my spirit. This is a special type of self-care, the kind that keeps on giving for days on end.
Here is what each of my lovely sisters reminds me of:
1. Go with the flow. The best way to survive a busy life is to stay in the moment-thank you, Lisa!
2. Live your dreams. As the Universe presents opportunities, grab them and go-you can always readjust later—thank you, Bernadette!
3. You can do it. When you put your mind to something and move forward a little bit each day, you achieve what may have seemed unachievable – thank you, Sandra.
4. It is never too late. Even if your dream takes 5, 10, 20 years to manifest, if it is important enough to you, it will happen in divine order – thank you, Aunt Nancy.
5. Have fun with everything you do. There are a couple of sisters that remind me that I can choose to have fun with everything in my life—out with serious, in with fun! Thank you, Trish and Runa!
This list could go on for pages. I would love to hear what you learn from your “sisters”! Share with us, so we can enjoy the gifts of friendship with you!
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The Joy Factor
Welcome fellow Happiness Pioneers! You've come to the right place if you are looking to raise your Joy Factor. My vision is for everyone to live a life aligned with their passions and full of joy. The intention of this site is to offer you juicy nuggets that will increase your experience of joy and delight. Take a look around, grab something yummy and share the joy.
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