Are You Listening?
Wikepedia suggests that active listening includes, “suspending judgment
and avoiding other internal mental activities to fully attend to the speaker.” Suspending judgment and avoiding internal mental activities? That’s a lot of work!
Indeed it is. However, I find that the more people I meet that have successfully manifested joy and fulfillment in their lives are adept at the practice of active listening. Think about the people you know who demonstrate the highest levels of happiness and fulfillment. They are often the ones who cease multitasking, who maintain steady eye contact and who even go so far as to verbally recap what you just said.
There is another aspect to active listening though that takes it to the next level insofar as truly connecting with others.…and that aspect is empathy.
As the queen of physical and mental multitasking since childhood, hearing my mother tell me, “I lost my mother when I was eight-years old there’s not a day that goes by that I don’t miss her,” was an uncomfortable nudge in the gut. I listened enough all those years to hear what she said, but I resisted the connection. I never really truly heard her. My listening didn’t include the empathic aspect, which would allow me to consider her as a woman with all her experiences rather than just my mom.
Until I was able to find my own strength, joy and fulfillment in life and work, I was not able to stand in someone else’s shoes. And until I was able to truly stand in someone’s shoes while I listened, most of what I would hear from others registered mentally as either background noise if I was deep in the throws of multitasking, or as bits and pieces of factual circumstances.
Today, I find that active listening has become a wonderful tool in my relationships. In both work and play I am watching the effects trickle in – from a warm response from a friend to a successful business interaction. To improve relationships and enhance the connections that I have with those around me, I am committed to tweaking my listening skills. I still love to multitask, but if you need me to hear you, I’m listening!
Baby Steps…
It is amazing watching a baby learn how to walk. They move forward a step or two, fall down, get back up and try it again…and again…and again. It always makes me wonder what is going on in their mind. Are they thinking, “I can do this?” or “This is so hard?” or “I think I will just keep on crawling?”
After two life changing experiences a couple of months ago, I felt like I was learning to walk again. I found myself affirming all 3 of those statements at different times of my journey. Each one made me feel different and of course, those feelings determined the actions that I took.
I went into both of those experiences with a tremendous amount of optimism. That optimism kept me afloat as I realized things were not going to be as good and easy as I hoped they would be. First, I did not make it past the first round of a contest I thought I was going to win. Second, I had a surgical procedure I thought I would heal from in two weeks and I was not fully back to Wendy until 7 weeks after the procedure-yikes!
Both of these experiences taught me some wonderful lessons – imagine that?! The funny thing is I thought I already knew these lessons-not! The learning continues….and I pass it on to you.
1. Slow Down – When I drive to fast, I miss my turn. When I move through life at breakneck speeds, I miss the beauty of the moment. Each moment contains what I value in life-connection, joy, peace and love. After surgery, I could not do anything – I had to stop and then recalibrate to a slower speed. You do not need an operation to do that, all you need is the desire to enjoy the moment and use it to make intentional decisions that will create your best life.
2. Don’t Try So Hard – Abraham-Hicks talks about letting go of the oars and moving downstream, rather than paddling hard to go upstream. When I allow the my passions to fuel the direction that I am going in, I am able to reconnect with spirit and disconnect from my negative ego and move forward with more ease. I incorporated sitting with spirit each morning and journaling my desires. Taking this time for me was just what I was craving. The craving was satisfied as I moved forward in my life with ease.
3. Honor my Passions - Each and every day I connect with what is most important to me – my Top 5 Passions. From there I make decisions as I slow down and let go of the oars. Magic happens from this place. With so many things to do, places to go, people to see and so much information to absorb, my passions are the compass that guide me in the direction that feeds my spirit. When my spirit is fed, I am creating the life I love with ease.
Today, when I fall down, I get up, wipe my knees and move forward one small step at a time. This moves me towards my destination, while truly enjoying my wonderful journey! What will your next step be?
got wisdom?
Earlier this year, at the National Speakers Association conference in Atlanta, experts shared the latest technology, marketing strategies and best practices to grow our speaking, training and consulting businesses.
The conference concluded with a panel of six “million dollar” speakers and consultants, including the consultant’s ultimate consultant, Alan Weiss, and leadership development speaker Mark Sanborn. Roxanne Emmerich, the author of “Thank God It’s Monday,” said that we are not selling information or knowledge but rather wisdom. Hmmm. Wisdom as a commodity.
Wisdom is defined as insight, the ability to discern what is true. Wise people are often considered enlightened, which means to be free of illusions.
So, how can you bring more wisdom to your work? Here are three ways.
1) Tap into your wisdom. Employ proven practices like meditation, trusting your intuition and paying attention to dreams to solve problems, boost creativity and make wise choices. Confucius advised, “By three methods we may learn wisdom: first by reflection, which is noblest; second by imitation, which is easiest; and third, by experience, which is the most bitter.” Take time to reflect.
2) Focus on what matters. Distractions can often be mistaken for opportunities and much of what we fear never materializes. Every day, we are seduced by bad news, superfluous interactions on social media sites, and the latest gizmos and gadgets. Just because you can participate, doesn’t mean you should. When you get sidetracked on your road to success, save your precious time and energy by simply asking yourself if this detour really matters.
3) Emulate wise qualities. According to The Talmud, “The highest form of wisdom is kindness.” Whenever you can, express genuine compassion, concern and appreciation for your coworkers, employees, clients, vendors and associates. By doing so, you will inspire them to do the same.
“There are two ways of spreading light; to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it,” said Pulitzer Prize-winning novelist Edith Wharton. Either way is wise.
Take Gap. Give Gap. On excellence, joy and celebration.
I was thinking today about my friend Mark Pekar and what a joy he was in my life for more than twenty years. This time last spring he was gravely ill and mere weeks away from hospice. In mid-summer, I was blessed to speak to a large crowd at his memorial service.
I shared that he “loved being the center of attention, yet he loved watching others shine. He loved succeeding, and equally celebrated other’s successes. ‘A candle loses nothing by lighting another candle.’* His was a generous spirit.”
Memory of Mark was keen today as I visited with other long-time friends:
Sylvia is so proud of her grandchildren that she beams.
Donna had a breakthrough in establishing and enforcing emotional boundaries.
Betsy earned an A in a class from a professor who does not give A’s. (Free tuition at state colleges and universities in Georgia is a bonus that comes with Medicare and Social Security! I only have ten years to go.)
Charlie is also a returning student (though not even old enough for an AARP card) and will graduate Sunday, to embark on a new career for which he is splendidly suited and prepared.
Peggy and Gibbs are in a new home that fits them perfectly and makes them smile.
And my friend Carol, having regained some of the vision lost in one eye, is doing nearly everything she wants to do with resourcefulness and élan. She’s piecing a new quilt, and loved one of the fabrics so much that she hugged it.
There used to be a road sign on Lakewood Freeway that read
Take Gap
Give Gap
Give and take. Take and give. Everyone gets his or her turn to lead, or follow. Then it changes again.
Recent months have been exceedingly challenging, but the successes of treasured friends or family can make my spirit soar. Some days I share joy by lighting the candle. Other times, I find joy by having my candle lit.
Carpe diem
Rebecca
* Quote from Father James Keller
Possibility and Rule Number 6
PassionFruit and Possibility-the video–click to watch!
Joy comes from connecting with other like minded people. Leigh Layton with The Possibility Spa is one of those people. She and her partner, Laura Calandrella are up to something delicious at Serenbe in June. The video here touches on some of the yummy topics they will be sharing at this event. Take a few minutes to learn more about Rule #6 and other delightful possibilities in this conversation. Enjoy!
Forgive Yourself
“For all you did or didn’t do,
for all you did or didn’t say,
for all the times fear got in the way,
forgive yourself.
Tomorrow’s a brand-new day.”
~ Tricia Molloy ~
The other day, as I was contemplating our human tendency to focus on mistakes and missed opportunities, the above quote formulated in my mind and made its way to this blog. It was a comfort to me and I hope to you, too.
As I mentor and consult, I find that some of my clients have limited their success because of their fear of standing out or speaking up. Some choose to take on too much responsibility, instead of delegating duties. Others compare themselves with colleagues and wish they had pursued that big account, written that book or taken that risk.
When you see failure as just more data, you are free to take more chances, celebrate your mistakes and savor the lessons learned. And, you are less likely to harbor restrictive regrets and resentments about yourself or others.
Acclaimed 18th century poet and critic Alexander Pope got
it right when he said, “To err is human, to forgive, divine.”
Sweet Joy
Joy
Who could need more proof than honey—
How the bees with such skill and purpose
enter flower after flower
sing their way home
to create and cap the new honey
just to get through the flowerless winter.
And how the bear with intention and cunning
raids the hive
shovels pawful after pawful into his happy mouth
bats away indignant bees
stumbles off in a stupor of satiation and stickiness.
And how we humans can’t resist its viscosity
its taste of clover and wind
its metaphorical power:
don’t we yearn for a land of milk and honey?
don’t we call our loved ones “honey?”
all because bees just do, over and over again, what they were made to do.
Oh, who could need more proof than honey
to know that our world
was meant to be
and
was meant to be
sweet?
Julie Cadwallader Staub.
Lipstick by Picasso
A college professor in the mid 1970s had asked his grandfather to speak of the most significant invention during his lifetime. Not the automobile, electricity, or space travel: he was most impressed by screened windows. They let in the breeze and kept out the flies, chickens and stray cats.
My mother, born in 1923, adored paper products, especially napkins and tissues. “Do you realize what a relief it is not to have to wash and iron snotty handkerchiefs?”
The little things, it seems, made the real difference.
New Year’s Eve of 1999 found me in Alabama with a friend. His grandmother, at 103, was in a nursing home, and the only person I knew with a foot in three centuries. Champagne and fine scotch, an elegant dinner and fireworks galore paled at this momentous landmark. Gram was ailing and failing, unable to string thoughts together, but still, she was 103.
Both days when we visited Gram, a crone rested in a wheelchair in the hall nearby: Mrs. Whitton. While most of the residents wore housecoats and slippers, she had on stockings and sensible brown shoes, a khaki polyester skirt and a beige and white flowered button-up blouse. Gray-blonde hair teased and sprayed, surely done each week in the beauty shop downstairs. Her eyes were dull and flat; but she wore lipstick. Bright red-orange lipstick. ALL over her mouth. And cheeks.
Lipstick by Picasso!
I almost laughed, but my Higher Self whopped me on back of the head. I began to rummage in my bag for a tissue, thinking to ask if I could help her wipe it off and put in on right.
A bigger psychic whop. I stopped and took a breath.
It was already on “right.”
Mrs. Whitton stared back at me blankly, but with a huge, glorious toothy smile, which the lipstick took — literally, from ear to ear.
My design school professor had been right: more than 20 years later, I felt the depth of his teaching. If I’m ever in Mrs. Whitton’s seat, wearing too much beige and a hairstyle 30 years out-of-date, with rare neuro-connections, I pray I remember the joy of a good lipstick.
Carpe diem
Rebecca
Giving back, slacker style
Oh my. Following through on my commitment to do a good deed every week in my 50th year on earth is a tad more difficult than I anticipated. Always the optimist, I made my commitment with a light heart and a big agenda. The truth is, I work 50 or 60 hours a week. The time left over is spent with my family. In the real world where I live, that doesn’t leave a whole bunch of time for “other” stuff.
While I am on task with my year of giving, I definitely feel that I need to step it up. I have kept a list of the things I have done and I am technically a little ahead of schedule. So far, so good, right? So far….so far, I have taken the easy road. Gifts for people that provide the services I use everyday, free coffee for the people behind me in line at Starbucks, extreme generosity in traffic and in grocery store lines…truly, not one young mother has opened a door in my presence! Our salon serves food in a homeless shelter once a month. Beautiful. Yet, I am itching to step out of my comfort zone a bit more. I guess I am outing myself as a slacker-giver. I am vowing to get sweaty, to use my hands and not my pocketbook, to do more. What “more” will look like, I can’t say. My promise is simply to do it.
Admitting I am disappointed does not take away from the little joy cloud I have created for a dozen or so strangers and myself. I do believe that my simple acts of kindness, my smile, my helpful hand and the complimentary java have bumped up the happiness quotient around town. I agree with Mother Teresa who said, “We shall never know all the good that a simple smile can do.” Hopefully, a ripple effect is happening as I type. Maybe what I really am is a greedy giver. Because a little ripple is great…but darn it, I want more.
Ahhh, Spring…
Springtime in South Florida…
When I say that, people often ask, “How do you know its spring?” To the untrained eye, it’s always green, sunny and deliciously beautiful here. Well, that’s true too, but we do have one, you just have to notice. When you pay attention, you can fully experience the subtle transition from winter to spring.
While we don’t have the obvious signs like the absence of snow and subsequent thaw, we do have lots of clues that the vernal equinox is upon us. Like the abundant golden yellow bloom on the Tabebuia trees and the sweet-smelling flowers of the Frangipani, both of which are relatively bare in winter. Then there’s the remarkably fragrant Datura tree with long, hanging flowers that look like its common name, Angel Trumpets.
Every day I’m welcomed home with the scents of jasmine and gardenia, the bright colors of impatiens, petunias and pansies. It’s truly a “sense-sensation.” Spring has sprung and I’m sick with the fever. The next time you’re feeling down, take a walk outside and notice spring. It’s everywhere and it’s beautiful! Anyone want to join me for a walk in the garden?
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The Joy Factor
Welcome fellow Happiness Pioneers! You've come to the right place if you are looking to raise your Joy Factor. My vision is for everyone to live a life aligned with their passions and full of joy. The intention of this site is to offer you juicy nuggets that will increase your experience of joy and delight. Take a look around, grab something yummy and share the joy.
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