The Heart of Fear
Fear.
“I don’t like Fear,” I once told a friend, “It scares me!” That had been my relationship with Fear until seven years ago when I attended a workshop called “Beyond Fear”. I secretly hoped it would give me a workaround for Fear — how to avoid it altogether. But no, the idea was to create a rapport with Fear, feel it, then move beyond it. Not get stuck in it. Not run from it. (Have you noticed that when you run from Fear, it chases you?) The workshop was life changing. I discovered that when I’m afraid and refuse to feel it, I attempt to control.
Control Doesn’t Work.
“News flash” right? Sometimes I forget and reach for control anyway. Which is exactly what I did with my mother last week. She had gone to the ER and released with a nonspecific diagnoses. Under the guise of concern, I told her she shouldn’t drive until she sees her doctor. While that might be good advice, my mother is a capable, adult woman who has managed to make her own decisions for longer than I have been alive. The conversation didn’t go well. She was offended (rightly so) and I was righteous (wrongly so).
Righteous Yields to What’s Right.
Days passed. I was uneasy about the conversation but convinced I was right. Then, while shuffling papers on my desk, my eyes landed on a random note: “Attempts to control always fail. Control, no matter the origin, comes down to fear.” Hmmmm. In my refusal to feel fear, I had reached for control which hadn’t worked, of course.
I called my mother and started a new conversation: ”I’m sorry for trying to control you by telling you not to drive. The truth is, I was/am scared…” We then had a beautiful, easy conversation about what really matters and about how challenging it can be to stay in the present moment when we are afraid. I noticed how close I felt to her and how surprisingly grateful I was for my Fear. When I simply let myself feel it, it led me to my heart and brought me closer to a precious relationship with my mother.
ChoiceFULL
This is the time of year when many of us coaches ask our clients to choose a theme for the upcoming year and to reflect upon the one from the current year. If you aren’t familiar with using themes, here’s the basic idea: choose a topic to explore and hold as a focus for growth throughout the year.
My theme for 2010 was Conscious Choice and it was a doozey! I learned about what happens when I pretend not to have choice, as in pretending I’m a victim. I confronted my reluctance to take 100% responsibility for 100% of my choices, learning at a deeper level that not choosing really is a choice. At every turn I could see my willingness or refusal to choose, and the resulting consequences.
I recently found this quote by Erica Jong:
“Take your life in your own hands and what happens? A terrible thing: no one to blame!”
That made me laugh. See, I really didn’t think I was big on blame….. Let’s just say, there were some blind spots to illuminate.
Conscious Choice required that I not blame, that I live an excuse-free life, and that I be honest with my self and my loved ones about my preferences. I was inspired by a scene from the TV series, Friends:
Joey : Pheebs, you wanna help?
Phoebe : Oh, I wish I could, but I really don’t want to.
I haven’t yet reached Phoebe’s level of blunt boldness, but I have gained the courage to say no, without explanation or apology, when unwarranted. I have stopped using work as the fall guy for why I “couldn’t” do this or that. And, at the very least, I’m telling myself the truth about my choices, working to banish “can’t” and “have to” from my vocabulary, replacing them with “will” or “won’t”. This takes more guts than I ever anticipated back in December of 2009!
It’s humbling.
Holding my feet to the fire of Conscious Choice for these last 11-1/2 months yielded some wonderful benefits: strengthening my integrity and bringing me a new level of personal power and peace. Not sure what I’ll choose for 2010, but I promise it will be a conscious choice!
Cravings
Ah, the adventures of being human… It’s amazing! It’s glorious! It’s humbling!
In my last two posts (A Moment of Grace & The Joy Diet) I celebrated my spontaneous healing from a life-long struggle with body image and food addition. In The Joy Diet, I suggested we ask the question, “What will bring me the most joy?”
Great question, huh? Well, a mere week after submitting that writing, I was overcome by a sudden, insane craving for candy corn! Not Godiva chocolate, not truffles, not something elegant and joy-filled. Nope, I wanted gutter-sugar. For me, candy corn ≠ joy. It makes me physically ill. Not joyful.
What The Heck Was Going On?
I wanted my healing to be complete perfect. When that candy-corn-craving showed up, I assumed I’d failed. Part of me still believes perfect is possible, that achieving it will somehow keep me safe. Naturally, that’s not true; however, sometimes I go unconscious, get amnesia and lose my way. You know, being human and all.
Enter Dr. Oz
I was running errands the other day (harboring a secret-evil plan to nonchalantly pick a bag of those tri-colored you-know-whats) and listening to Dr. Oz on the radio. His guest was scolding him for tolerating a minor water leak in his house, implying that this was hugely symbolic. He was, in fact, allowing damage to his foundation and this damage would inevitably encroach upon other areas of his life.
Dr. Oz light-heartedly responded that the leak wasn’t damaging the foundation and it really wasn’t a nuisance to him. It’s OK. Then he said something brilliant: “You know, the enemy of good is perfect.”
Whoa.
Perfection Perschmection!
My perfectionism had crashed my party! There I was, enjoying a new state of health, not expecting that weird craving. Before I could get my bearings (and see that it’s just a little leak), in marched my perfectionism, pointing her boney finger at the PROOF of my failing and fraudulence! Oy.
Thank you Dr. Oz. I can relax and make room for my imperfect humanity. Forgiveness is key. So is compassion.
Compassion trumps perfection any day of the week!
The Joy Diet
This post is the continuation of A Moment of Grace, describing my journey from despair to breakthrough.
Since that breakthrough, my thoughts and attitudes towards my body have radically changed. The mean-spiritedness and disgust that pervaded my relationship with my body are virtually gone. Of course, sometimes I still think some of the old thoughts (i.e., “You need to loose 10 pounds by tomorrow!”); but I can’t take them seriously. Only a crazy person would.
Another wonderful thing happened: buried in the rubble of my past relationship with my body, I found a positive memory and experience that is fueling my new life.
Flash back to 1992:
Pregnant, I feel free in my body for the first time. Unconcerned with my weight, I am proud of my growing belly. I eat in alignment with what my body needs by really listening. This is a foreign but welcome practice. I marvel at the cellular and systemic intelligence that it requires no bullying or trickery from me. I feel a truly joyful partnership with my body!
This memory inspires me and leads me to the present-day Joy Diet. One based on partnership and rooted in love. It requires that I slow down enough to really listen to my body (and not my mind’s idea of what my body wants or needs!). I regularly ask, “What will bring me the most joy?”
Sometimes it’s exercise such as biking or walking. Sometimes a nap, or sharing a bowl of ice cream with my husband. This joy diet is powerful and real only when I’m in the present moment — rather than pining for a smaller dress size in my future. The result is a profound sense of happiness.
How humbling and ironic that all those years when I was chasing happiness in a dress size … all along it was patiently waiting for me, right here.
What do you suppose is waiting right here for you? My invitation to you is is this: for the next 30 days ask your body this question and follow its true answer:
What will bring me the most joy?
A Moment of Grace
Between the ages of 14 – 48, I was a sucker for diets. Macrobiotics – Overeaters Anonymous – Grapefruit Diet- Cabbage Soup Diet – Zone Diet – French Women Don’t Diet Diet. The list goes on. (BTW, there’s a web site that catalogues diets including, and I’m not making this up, the “What Would Jesus Eat Diet”!)
I’m not dissing these diets (except for that Grapefruit one); some are wonderful options, for a sane person. But I’ve spent many years overtly/covertly hating my body, using diets and the scale as assault weapons. And I know better! I’m a life coach for crying out loud.
I’m also a woman raised in a culture that worships “looking good”, defined by PhotoShopped perfection. I’ve been susceptible to the lie that the right number on the scale would make me feel good and be ok in the world. Ridiculous, right? One word: Brainwashing. Another word: Insanity.
Serenity Now!
In 2009, a life-changing moment broke me apart and put me back together. For years I’d been seeking greater spiritual intimacy, yet unconsciously wedging the disapproval of my body between me and the Divine. One day, in a prayer, I saw myself through the eyes of the Divine. It was heartbreaking.
Imagine, someone you dearly love (a child, spouse, close friend) refusing your love until they think they are perfect which, by the way, is never. You don’t love them any less for it, but you see how unnecessary it is.
So there it was. All those years harboring an unconscious belief that if I just lost 20 pounds…. (or 5 pounds, 2 pounds, 10 pounds…the number didn’t matter because there was always more to lose) …THEN I would feel closer to God (meaning, “then I would be lovable”). Well, the gig was up: Skip “lovable”, I was already LOVED. Even in my manic attempt to “improve”, I was already loved.
This wasn’t just a platitude or an intellectual concept to me (“There, there, God loves you no matter what.”) This was a soul-awakening, spirit-enlivening ecstatic truth. I saw through my veils of perfectionism/self-hatred and just like that, in a moment of grace, let it go.
To Be Continued….
next month: The Joy “Diet”!
Joy Rides
For the past six weeks, my sister and I have been meeting at 6:45 AM for a 75-minute bike ride. A personal triumph because I really like to sleep in and this has me up at 5:45, out the door by 6:20. However, I like biking and being with my sister more than I like sleeping, so off I go for some great fun! Except for one pesky interference….
The Critters.
Apparently dawn is when all God’s creatures come out to our little bike path. We’ve dodged countless squirrels, rabbits, snakes, bullfrogs, chipmunks, and deer, with only one casualty – an unlucky chipmunk. [I can’t even begin to convey the trauma of bicycling over a live animal, but I'll try: you feel every lump, bump, squish, & crack. It’s revolting! So now, before each ride I work my Stay-Off-the-Path-You-Dang-Critters Mojo™, which seems to be helping. (Details available upon request.)]
By far the most JOYFUL aspect of our morning adventures is the bond that is re-forming between us. As children we were very tight, but over the years and for no apparent reason, we’d become less so. Not estranged or even distant, just not so close. This has dramatically changed in recent weeks, as if some patient, dormant love is being reawakened. Today’s events only served to accelerate this process.
This morning, my sister took a nasty spill, flying off her bike and landing on her head, on the pavement – thank goodness for her helmet! Eventually she was able to ride the short distance back to our car, suffering only a few scrapes, bruises, and a torn ligament. The experience was as emotionally jarring as it was thought provoking.
It has me thinking about love and about its mysterious power to change us, if we are willing. My sister and I are both letting our love matter, not taking it for granted. It brightens my day and lifts my spirit. It ripples out to my family, friends, colleagues, and clients. It has me looking for other situations in my life where I can be less guarded and more available for love’s magic.
Starting now…
Having committed to living a life filled with joy, I am on a mission to weed out patterns inconsistent with this commitment. Lately I’ve been seeing how procrastination is actually a pattern of joy-deprival.
When I’m putting something off, joy is the last thing on my mind. No, I’m thinking about pain avoidance! I’m strategizing how to get out of something, contemplating both fantastic and reasonable excuses as to why I can’t fulfill my commitment. I decide against this strategy mainly because it would involve lying and I’m sure the ensuing guilt would cause cancer or death or worse!
So I turn to denial and try to put it out of my mind entirely. This never works, of course, but I give it my best effort by distracting with activities I say I enjoy — activities that I actually do enjoy under other circumstances just not here because I know I’m using them to distract and avoid, thereby cheapening the enjoyment.
Sometimes I try renegotiating the deadline even as it rapidly approaches, usually 2-24 hours prior to the due date. Naturally, this only serves to prolong my pain because I continue to procrastinate until the new deadline looms.
Ultimately, I do honor my commitment at the 11th hour, suffering greater stress, risking my reputation and self-respect. Stressful. Painful. Joyless.
Consider all the creativity that is siphoned off by avoidance; all of the time spent at the sufferance of this avoidance. Creativity and time that could be directed towards joy-inducing activities and experiences. (Including the radical JOY of completing something early!)
I’m newly inspired to change. Rather than the usual empty promises to “start earlier next time” or “never do that again,” I feel a strengthened resolve to lovingly end this pattern, opening to greater peace and more joy! I don’t expect perfection as I make this change. I expect compassion, understanding, and loving discipline.
I’m starting now.
As with any change process, the first step is awareness. Whether you relate to procrastination or not, what patterns of yours are inconsistent with a joy-filled life?
The Joy Factor
Welcome fellow Happiness Pioneers! You've come to the right place if you are looking to raise your Joy Factor. My vision is for everyone to live a life aligned with their passions and full of joy. The intention of this site is to offer you juicy nuggets that will increase your experience of joy and delight. Take a look around, grab something yummy and share the joy.
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