A Moment of Grace

Between the ages of 14 – 48,  I was a sucker for diets.  Macrobiotics – Overeaters Anonymous – Grapefruit Diet- Cabbage Soup Diet – Zone Diet – French Women Don’t Diet Diet.  The list goes on.  (BTW, there’s a web site that catalogues diets including, and I’m not making this up, the “What Would Jesus Eat Diet”!)

I’m not dissing these diets (except for that Grapefruit one); some are wonderful options, for a sane person.  But I’ve spent many years overtly/covertly hating my body, using diets and the scale as assault weapons.  And I know better!  I’m a life coach for crying out loud.

I’m also a woman raised in a culture that worships “looking good”, defined by PhotoShopped perfection. I’ve been susceptible to the lie that the right number on the scale would make me feel good and be ok in the world.  Ridiculous, right?  One word: Brainwashing.  Another word: Insanity.

Serenity Now!

In 2009, a life-changing moment broke me apart and put me back together.  For years I’d been seeking greater spiritual intimacy, yet unconsciously wedging the disapproval of my body between me and the Divine.  One day, in a prayer, I saw myself through the eyes of the Divine.  It was heartbreaking.

Imagine, someone you dearly love (a child, spouse, close friend) refusing your love until they think they are perfect which, by the way, is never.  You don’t love them any less for it, but you see how unnecessary it is.

So there it was.  All those years harboring an unconscious belief that if I just lost 20 pounds…. (or 5 pounds, 2 pounds, 10 pounds…the number didn’t matter because there was always more to lose) …THEN I would feel closer to God (meaning, “then I would be lovable”).  Well, the gig was up:  Skip “lovable”, I was already LOVED.  Even in my manic attempt to “improve”,  I was already loved.

This wasn’t just a platitude or an intellectual concept to me (“There, there, God loves you no matter what.”)  This was a soul-awakening, spirit-enlivening ecstatic truth.  I saw through my veils of perfectionism/self-hatred and just like that, in a moment of grace, let it go.

To Be Continued….

next month: The Joy “Diet”!